names

i remember that st. nikolai used to like to climb to the top of the hill as evening began to fall
and watch the lamplighters working, And that he used to call them the makers of
constellations upon the earth, and that he made the gift to them of a game, And that
the rules of this game would come to them in a dream, and that in this dream they would
be lighting the lamps on an island, a dragonfly hovering beside them. I remember that you said
in this dream they would understand the language of the dragonflys. and that of this game the dragonflys
would tell them, so that they might lead it for all in the waking world who wished to play.
but that of all the people who had played it, none had ever told of what had happened
WHEN they played, so that only the lamplighters might tell their children that such a game
existed. Did it make the children angry when they would not tell them what it was that happened
when the candles formed a constellation and the constellation had been named?
You said the children must have the dream themselves someday if they wanted to
lead the game... but how many children for a single dream to find! How many more children
were there than bedtimes in which to visit?
And how many more children grew old forgetting that they had hoped one night
a dream might come? And sometimes dreams do not allow memory to hold them
so they might wander freely. so that I might remember what you answered when I asked you
why we make a wish and blow out the candles on a birthday cake, so that i might pretend
not to believe you, so that i might spend my childhood trying to have that dream.
I remember how on those coldest days as evening would fall you would blow the steam of your breath into different shapes.
I remember how you used to blow it into the shape of a polar bear. I remember the shape of its
shadow as it moved across the floor. I was very little, but i remember.
.
First i could reach the doorknob on the basement door, then i could reach the lightswitch,
but my shadow had to reach all the way across the kitchen before i could remember the
shape of the polar bears shadow as it moved across the kitchen floor. it was somewhere in the evening
last winter when sleep would not visit, when i would take walks and visit the moon.
my shadow filled almost all of the kitchen and i remembered the shape of the polar bears shadow
as it moved across the kitchen floor. When sleep finally came the language of the dragonflys was so beautiful
it made me cry.
.
So that i might remember,
It said that everyone is to bring a candle and a wish and that this
wish must never be spoken aloud. and that each players candle is to be lighted and that
there is to be formed of them 2 groups. and that to each group one half of the playing ground
is given. and that to each group a lighted oil lantern is given to protect. and that each of these
lanterns is placed at the back of its posessors playing grounds. and that it is for each group to attempt to
bring home the lantern of the other. But that each layer must keep his or her candle lighted,
for if it is extinguished for any reason, they must remain frozen, and cannot move again until
their candle is relighted by one of their own, and that you may blow out the candles of another who
may stray upon your grounds, but not when you stray into theirs. And when the player in possesion
of the other groups lantern crosses the line that divides the two playing grounds, the game is over
and at that instant every player must freeze and all must remain frozen, and that the positions of the
players lighted candles will form a constellation, and that constellation will be named.
But of all the
people who had ever played it, none had ever told of what had happened.. when frozen, their
candles had formed a constellation, and that constellation had been named.
You would not tell me of such names.
I know why now.