winter clouds
clabbered, ominous
torn on hills

Hey robbynl, I absolutely love that you saw the clouds being torn on the hills. It reminds me of this one by one of my fav poets, Ruth Yarrow:
**
river edge
grasses cut
the soft wind
**
Yours has a similar idea but a much darker setting. I believe that your second line could contain at least one less adjective which would allow the reader to supply the rest. Of the two, I prefer "ominous" but would probably go for something even simpler. What you've done here is take this excellent idea of winter clouds torn by the hills and supplied us (in the second line) with further description of the mood/setting. For me as the reader, it is more fun to paint that good stuff in and around the paired down structure of your haiku. You simply give me the roadmap, and I get to take the journey, whether it be a vacation to a tropical island or a trudge through mid-winter snow. Also, check out sketch's thoughts in 1472 on improving flow which could be applied to your second and third lines to turn this great haiku into a truly breathtaking one.
Great work, you have a marvelous eye.
-thayne
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i like this one,too.great image and i love the contrast,the melding,
of the soft and the harsh.(clouds,hills vs winter,clabbered,torn)
agree with thayne on the second line and i think that his example
of Yarrow's ku is beneficial in helping you seek your ideal.good work!
sketch
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BTW, the poem by Ruth Yarrow is from her chapbook "Sun Gilds the Edge" which can be purchased for almost nothing from Saki Press at:
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http://www.suresite.com/il/s/sakipress
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The other chapbooks there, written by various well-known haikuists, are well worth the $4.50 each. Happy reading/writing. -T

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Thank you both for your insight.
As a literary piker, i'm having trouble sticking to the
minimalist concept of the form. (The "English Language Haiku" page
linked from Saki press was helpful in that respect.)
Both the clabbered sky and the hill-torn clouds opened me up.
how 'bout,

Clabbered sky
Winter clouds
Torn on hills

?...robbynl
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Could probably lose "winter" as well.
I'll do it if Ruth will drop "River edge" - :) rl
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I think "winter" is fine. It's good to set the time of the ku and in this case sets a general temperature which adds to the mood/feel of the piece. Yarrow's "edge" works well by first showing the "river edge" then zooming in on the edge of the grasses as they "cut the soft wind."
Notice how her first line gives the "where" (river edge).
The second line gives the action ("cut", which is as immediate as it gets)
And the last line gives the "what" ("the soft wind").
-
I am not at all urging the use of a standard formula for composing haiku but it could be of use to see how your winter ku would fit into the framework of Yarrow's poem utilizing almost the exact word choices you used. This is just an exercise:
--
winter sky--
hills tear
the clabbered clouds
--
clabbered sky--
hills tear
the winter clouds
--
What do you think?
Also here are some words to consider:
tear-cut-snag
clabbered-curdled
hill-hilltop-hillcrest
-
I particularly like the word hillcrests for your ku because of the cutting sound of the "c".
-
hillcrests cut/hillcrests tear/hilltops cut/hilltops tear
-
You have many workable choices to make. I'd pick the ones that best fit the moment you witnessed and run happily away with it!
End Of Side One :-) -gcf


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clabbered lurking clouds
scraped across the mountain top
open winter wounds............zendo
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Master Z! good to hear from you again
your verse is always richer...robbynl
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: ))......thank you robbynl......there is some great stuff here........zendo