The (chariot) card

Falls
the snow
from a cast
iron sky
as
the citi(zen)
meditates
near the handi-
SNOW-
capped meter.
Breath, thick
like a woman's
thigh, hangs
from the atmos
fear as the
lawman issues
a (notforspeeding)
ticket
for driving 55
for staying
(quite success
fully) alive.

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Happy Birthday Ben Hurr! Congrats/
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movement
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quite admire the simile with "breath" but poem's imagery loses oomph when it moves to the abstract "atmos/fear." In general,though, it's as if you're trying too hard to be e.e. cummings -- resulting in it seeming derivative.