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Poem Number 23090
I imagine that you, having skin that rustles like dry leaves,
feel most comfortable in the fall. When your hand brushes against your
face no one is startled. I imagine that you
like to drink hot tea while you write haiku
and that you don't count syllables. The leaves
in your hand-thrown mug tell a fortune
of five syllables. Seven stars form a writer's constellation
around your head, you are an erstwhile madonna.
You tap on the glass
of the studio window
tap, tap,
tap, tap,
tap.
Commentary:
This was an amazing poem up until the line "you are an erstwhile madonna."
After that its powerful images disappointingly drip into an unimaginative mundane.
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after that line, i'm playing with the idea of syllable counting.
you tap on the glass(5)
of the studio window(7)
taptaptaptaptap(5)
i'm wondering if that action relates to a type of wordless haiku.
sorry to disappoint.
-chandler
-------
Sorry, I let the amazing imagery and vision of the poem devour me, and I failed to catch your ending referencing the haiku & syllable subject of your poem. And too, the connection you were trying to bring may not have been readily apparent with the "taps" posted as a 2-2-1 syllable count and not all on one line as a 5 syllable count.
The way it is posted, I envisioned (and heard in my mind) a tap, tap and then someone standing there pausing,probaly staring out the window, then another tap, tap with another pause, then a last tap.
I did not hear the 5 taps in my mind.
And of course you know haiku is so much more than syllable count, haiku is the difficult art of combining, very compactly, form, content, and language, into a powerful mental image. And of course it was traditional to write haiku's about nature, not people.
Thank you for your explaination, I will be sure to look at your work more closely next time and see if you have another aspect intwined within! Thanks for sharing,
baz
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hmmmm, interesting poem & comments.
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care to elucidate and sign? -chandler
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