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Poem Number 23036
an imagining


Commentary:
as the train
pulled out of the station
and begun to speed onwards
towards an empty city
yearning to be filled again

i saw her. i was standing
before the now shut doors
and idly looking out at the
grey streamers of cloud.
i saw her sitting in the
uncovered part of the platform
the rain, falling.

only the wet, blonde
wisps of hair i could see
reaching out from underneath
the hood of her jacket. she
did not move.

þ
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When all is said and done, I imagine this simple direct style of poetry will outlast most of the ornate stuff that is hard to understand.
A couple of suggestions. The wisps of hair "reaching out". I have trouble with that image. Straggling is neither poetic sounding nor original but something a little different from "reaching out". Put a semi-colon after jacket and start the new line below with "she". Or a period would do well there too.
Lovely poem.
sg
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how about "emerging"?
thanks for the comments.
þ
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I'm looking at this (pretty much just for the fun of doing it) and searching for the redoing:
You have written:
only the wet, blonde
wisps of hair i could see
reaching out from underneath
the hood of her jacket. she
did not move.
what are you really wanting to say here? I interpret that the only thing you could see were the wet wisps of blonde hair. (only wisps of her lovely blonde hair blah blah from underneath the hood of her jacket?)
I can't see wisps reaching out but "emerging" seems a little prosaid. I like the image of the hair actively doing something. Maybe "reaching out" isn't so bad, after all. Reaching out to me (as in moving your desire for her.)
Anyhow, lovely poem. Keep me enjoying your good work.
sg

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i'm wanting to say that i did not see the face underneath the hood, just the hair, falling down from beneath it.
þ
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Then that is what you should say, talented poet. It is misleading, I believe, to tell us, the readers, in the sixth line, "I saw her". Then, in line ten, "I saw her sitting...". And I don't know about the other readers but I did not get that image at all, that all you saw was her hair. I thought you saw her face.
sg
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however, one can see someone without necessarily having to see that person's face. perhaps the last stanza could do with a rework nonetheless.
þ
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good idea. carry on. after all, it is your poem and you know what's best.
sg
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