...

Love.
--------
--
Butterflies
are in her hair
as she flies
on her angel's wings
She is happy, oh so happy,
for she found a new love,
A better love....
---
But who can
call it better?
---
He ignores her
And he used her
---
She is not sure
what to do...
---
Will she run into
the arms of the new one?
----
Or will she forever
rest in her old lovers'
arms?
----
wrapped forever
in his arms
--
forever.
=======================
anonymous
12.10.04

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someone get me a bucket please. i'm sorry but this is so terribly cliche.
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Mother nature has been producing the same ol' rose my entire life. When I see one and give pause to consider it I still find it beautiful. -dave
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this rose is rotten.
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To the 1st comentator, do not comment on my poetry anymore. You are a rude. WHO are you to judge my work? Who the hell are you? You are a no body who loves rudeness. Sorry i am so mean, but don't comment on my poetry anymore. Unless you have real constructive criticism. Only then.
And to the 3rd commentator all the same applies.
~~~anonymous
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anon, i like the "butterflies in her hair" - a delicate image. but her "angel's wings" are cliche and pull the poem down. like i said about one of your previous poems, this would probably work as a song, with the right kind of music, but as a poem it is not engaging enough. it leaves the reader with so many questions! why? because you TELL rather than show what is happening in your poem.
ok so this is about a dysfunctional, maybe abusive relationship, and the "she" is apparently prone to fall for men who are not good for her. this is enough material not just for one poem but for a whole series if you wanted to. all you are willing to give right now though is just the rough outline, and that type of story is not new - i don't even want to know how many romance novels and random movies focus on this type of plot. but as i said you CAN make it your own IF YOU WANT TO.
this means being concrete. give details. don't say she doesn't know what to do (and "..." in my humble personal biased opinion really should be used sparingly in poetry) - how does it show that she doesn't know? and another interesting topic could be just describing, letting the reader take part in that pivotal moment when she realizes this isn't working the way she thought it would. (but i would be grateful if you'd avoid the "breaking heart" / "shattered dreams" stereotypes in your lines. sure they can apply, but if you use these exact words you'll end up sounding like just another average pop song again.)
anon,- come on, show us some feeling here. do you really believe there is such a relationship where two people will be in each other's arms forever, or are you just saying it because it sounds "poetic?" and if you do believe this (i'm not saying i don't hope there is such a thing), you'll need to put more of yourself and your own feelings, your own experience and passion into it. as it is, while i can see what the poem is trying to do, it is sterile and impersonal.
i'm guessing i'm next in line to be told to shut it, but if you post here you are basically asking for some kind of feedback and this is the best i can tell you. the same i have said before.
this rose is plastic. (rhia, runner-up for the barbed wire award)
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No, Rhia i won't tell you to shut it :) That was the best criticism i could have gotten, and i liked hearing how to write my poem better. You did it delicately. Thanks. ~~~Anonymous.
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yeah whatever the poem still suck's ass
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And you suck yourself as a person because you can't speak without having manners. Get some manners and a life. That was for the last commentator.
And shut up! ~~anonymous
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i've got manners i'm just not going to use them in this case. a little bit of honesty goes a long way.
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honesty != constructive criticism