Who Do You Love?

BEHOLD!
My angel of darkness
lording over me-
quilting me with this warmth
that pricks my skin
like a jacket of nails
and bleeds my heart
until it fails
until his leafy flames
have wrapped my brain.
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P.M.David
Comments/Suggestions?
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cliche! you have done so much better than this! your haiku were wonderful, fresh like fruit, but this . . .ick! do me a favor and drop the phrase "angel of darkness" from anything but the most satirical poetry you write. this is awful! -chandler
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'cliche' is relative. I haven't heard the phrase enough times to call it such. To me, it fits O.K. into a good poem. -- Oliver

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LIL-
How would you put it?
P.M.David
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The poem is fine how it is, I like it best of all your poems.*/:-)
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P.M.D. I would have to be in your situation to know the exact idea you are trying to express. Are you referring to actual emotion here, or are you just spitting out meaningless verbage? Angel of Darkness, in the biblical sense, can be used skillfully, but I don't feel that this is the most skillful use of the phrase. . .perhaps had you not used the word "BEHOLD" before this phrase, I wouldn't have expected some epiphany or some mighty explosion of insight. I've been reviewing too much awful teenage poetry and I must've heard this phrase a bajillion times. We did publish one poem containing the phrase, but I can't pull it up right now.
-Lil Monet a.k.a. Chandler Fulton
(greencrayongirl@hotmail.com) b.t.w. I do like the phrase "like a jacket of nails." I think it was used well and expresses tactile sensation well.
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I still think it's good as is. What could be a worse destruction than the devil destroying one's soul; the devil devouring one with whatever tool he chooses. */:-)
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Chandler-
This poem almost needds to be heard rather than read, The BEHOLD is to grab your attention, but not to be shouted at you forcefully..i.e. "BEHOLD THE BURNING BUSH!" more like "Behold the lamb of God". The second line- emphasis on MY(which should have been written that way), and the angel of darkness, a.k.a my conflict, my destruction, my shortcomings/vulnerablities. The reference to the heart should actually be taken as a symbol of my initiative /motivation /exuberance /determination. Line nine should be "her" not "his", thus "leafy flames"would marijauna, and there you have it, a nice little poem about self-destruction. There are more metaphors and implications nut I lack the zeal to go into them, maybe later. I hope that self-destruction isn't to "cliche" and that you now have a clearer picture of my intended meaning.
Thanks for the "jacket of nails" comment.
P.M.David
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Chandler-
Just wanted to let you know that I enjoy these little exchanges immensely, I feel a very profesional competition between us. At the same time it is friendly and constructive. Thanks again-see you on the battle-field!
(avery happy)P.M.David
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hey cool! i'll take back the crazy comment i made on INZANE's poem where if got my feathers ruffled. i'll not shut my mouth, if you don't mind:)
-chandler