In The Outside

There's something wrong with me
There's something wrong
It's lurking in here
The sickness
It's waiting till
I am at my weakest point
And then it will wash over me
Tears will drown any sanity
I retained
After loving you
yet all i want to do
is crawl up in your lap
And scream
scream and cry
Let the beating of your
heartbeat
provide the logic
my life has lacked
for so long
but what can i do
when the person that
has healed so many wounds
leaves behind just as many scars?
and how many times
can i crawl back
with my tail between my legs
and my self worth
at the mercy of your
expectations?
how many times
can i offer you my love
and be told that it's not enough?
Before i am weakened to the point
of no return
Sometimes
In my darkest moments of
regression
i wonder if that is your point
to break me down
till there is nothing left
And just as there is
that part of me
that wishes you would scrap
what does not please you
and build me into
something beautiful
something to be proud of
something you could accept
something more than i am now
something that you could love
something that better suites you
yet still there is a part of me
A small,
but much stronger
than i ever realized,
part of me
that needs to be what i am
and prove that that's something
enough for someone out there
Anyone
my will to survive runs
deep and red
like the blood i let
here and now
because you see
There's something wrong with me
There's something wrong
It's lurking in here
The sickness
It's waiting till
I am at my weakest point
and that's exactly
how your love leaves me
don't you see
i can't be with you anymore
i can't be apart of loving you
anymore
not anymore
Because it hurts to love you
and i love to hurt
don't you see
you're feeding the cycle
fighting against
a sickness
that keeps you here
Still
what do i do
when it's over?
I've sacrificed enough
of myself
to be incomplete
without you
so who needs sanity anyway?
Not me
Maybe with it's absence
I can finally understand
you
but to be honest,
as you would say,
I never needed
to understand you
to love you
God how I love you
I wish that was enough
for you
and i both
My love
is not enough
to keep you happy
your love
is not enough
to keep me alive

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I apoligize if this one takes up too much screen space.
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I could hear you all the way, it's not an isolated "roundabout", (but I never jumped off), my poetry is part of finding myself again, I enjoyed your poem, keep writing. ~ audee
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Some great lines--like lines 21 - 23. = Sophia
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I'm glad you finally understand
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I'm glad you finally understand
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Finally.