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Poem Number 10890
I kissed you
(you held my arms out and
looked me up and down,
replaced smiles with blank denial) I
kept your slight intransigence close to my skin and
thought the world must know you
never gave me back my
duskseas, sky and mountains
You told me
lies were like pillows, good for
sleeping on and I
worried that perhaps you
thought those moments (all downsoft and
lingering)better placed in satin sacks of
forget-me-not forgetting, so I
tripped over a word you tossed
out into blind air and now I
can't seem to dip beneath these
newly sheened sentences of
I especially like the last verse: "tripped over a word you tossed..."and "newly sheened sentences of agitated night"--wonderful! Thanks. JFC
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well-written poem with interesting images. i esp. like
"duskseas sky and mountains". (rhia)
That's your influence, rhia, so thanks. :) persephone
oops! "kept your" is not supposed to be repeated. -p
You used to be less polished, less mannered. I liked you better that way. m
Out of curiosity, though I doubt you'll answer this, were you referring to my poetry or my comments, or both?
Strictly to your poetry... it was not intended as a personal comment about you, but a sincere comment on your work here. I phrased it poorly.
I love this poem! Like those words too - "tripped over a word you tossed" R.J.G.
To "m" - since you say you are sincere, would you be willing to explain your comment? I'd like to understand what you're saying. And are you sure you aren't confusing earlier poems I have posted with ones I co-wrote? Because those would definitely have a much different feel. Thanks. -persephone
To "persephone" -
I have seen you post plainer work here, by which I mean, work that expresses or evokes ideas and feelings using much plainer English. It strikes me that the work you have posted above, and some other recent work of yours, is in love with a few ideas that some might consider "poetic", such as the unnecessary parentheses, and the run-together words... I think you have become a bit formulaic, in fact.
And to me, whether it is true or not, that implies a lack of sincerity, or rather, it strikes me as false and insincere. And yes, I know that poetry is as varied as the people who write it; I know not all poetry has to be based on bald fact; but it does have to ring true, in my opinion, and to me, the above work does not. What I am really talking about here is my own personal taste... and indeed, my original comment makes that very clear, I think.
One other thing... I commented on your work because it moved me to do so. I find your work interesting, and think you have ability, which I feel it is a pity to waste on what I perceive as word-candy. Again, this is probably just a reflection of my personal feelings and predilictions.
If you would rather I didn't comment on your work in future, just say so, and I will not do so again. I assure you though, my comments to you were intended to be constructive.
To judge someone's words as false and insincere sounds like a rather provocative dig to me. How can that be constructive. It might be valid to say the poem verges on formulaic, but I have used some of the same techniques you indicated; that was just how I felt inspired to express myself for a season. In fact I consider it an important stage in finding my own unique voice. Which isn't to say I have arrived, more than anyone else writing here. But I think we should stick to commenting on one another's style, spelling, grammar, etc, rather than character.
Persephone, the poem didn't grab me at first read because I didn't relate to the material personally. But I like the rhythm and language. If you derived satisfaction from writing it, then it wasn't a waste of time. ~Van
No, it certainly wasn't a waste of time -- I never find that writing is. Especially if I learn something from it...which often happens as a result of someone's comment (rarely comments on grammar or spelling, however). To m and to anyone else who ever thinks about critiquing something I write - please do. I appreciate the honesty. (Note: this does not include comments such as "this poem sucks" - personally, I don't count that as constructive.)
m - is there any way you could give me a concrete example of my less pretentious work? You can do an author search for persephone. It's just that I think I've always used parentheses posting here.... I certainly agree that this isn't a great poem, though. Anyway, if you're willing to spend more time explaining what you mean, I'm definitely interested. Thanks! -persephone
Van: provocative? Clearly. A dig? Do you mean a criticism? Then yes, certainly. Constructive? Well, that's a matter of opinion... as were my comments, as I consistently made clear. My personal opinion, not right, not wrong, just honest, and cited here because that's what we do here, right? We share our opinions.
Persephone: :))) You're kidding right :))? Life's too short! My comments are based on a general impression. I'm not about to start doing research :)).
Opinion is what we give here. I have received much helpful criticism as a writer but it was always specific. General impressions are meaningless to the writer without an example. Using the search is as easy as reading this page. ~Van
Well this time I agree with Van. Vague statements don't help me at all - they don't allow me to grow as a writer. Neither do vague "I like it" statements - it's much more valuable when someone tells you a specific line, or explains what they like about it (although I don't think anyone really minds compliments, even if they are unspecific). Sorry you didn't turn out to be as sincere as I thought you might be. Thanks anyway. -persephone
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