Poem Number 16559

damaged words.....

His words dancing a cryptic silhouette
Upon lips they’ve barely met
~~~Cradling themselves in love’s clean white swathe
Duly deemed the rarest crystals
Plucked like ruby roses of velvet petals
~~~Picturesque dreams I immerse upon plain white cloth
~~~~~~
Slumber’s morn trips cheerless eyes
One last clutch to ebony’s night lullabies
~~~ Come, my light of day, remember, if not just who I am
Take me down austere, filth-strewn paths
Shadowing misty hues, true to me alas
~~~Color my twists; I beg lay bare my sham
~~~~~~
Awake, awake am I, in murky pools of ugly words
Were they not once tuned of love’s one drawn chord?
~~~But here, along the trodden track, illumined from life’s oily lantern
Lies the saber sharp, acrid with bitter edge
Vowing vengeance, it’s only worldly privilege
~~~Gauging deep the words… unreluctant, I give the sword it’s vengeful turn
~~~~~~


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Wow...this is so much. Wonderful word usage and description. Well done.
)Kaleb
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oh WOW! This is truly wonderful Haizey. The words are still resounding in my head, as though I've been watching a play in the theatre. Wonderful!
~ audee.
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thank you kaleb & audee...i actually took grace's advice and editted. i told her, 'editting is scary...if the poem stinks i no longer have an excuse'. ~smiles~
~haizey
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Haisey! how visually delicious and affecting. The language has density, words pooling and thickening, your images rising and falling. Love this!...fallon
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ugh...i usually let my flaws be (there are too many) but this one takes away from my intent. the last line should read :
~~~Gauging deep the words… unreluctant, I *allow the sword it’s vengeful turn
~haizey

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oddly enough, i didn't like the poem until that last edit. i like allow instead of give. well edited. *
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This has an Elizabethian feel... which I enjoyed... did you mean "gauging" or "gouging" in the last stanza? JFC
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most definitely gouging JFC...funny i never even saw that :)
thank you!!!
~haizey
p.s. thanks gracely
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I'm going to sound unexciting and unoriginal but I agree with all of the above. Loved the editing. Loved the poem and I loved the "breath in my throat" feeling I got when I read it.
lin