Poem Number 19079

How want and lack perpetuate thier own murders.

My want and my lack
need to be sliced
by the knife of belief
before I can be
restored whole by the sutures
of my own faith.
In the meantime,
I bleed all manner
of miscarried actions
and emotions
like a confused river.
======================

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fantastic and timely; i was just journaling about lack and craving, and how they drive envy, dissatisfaction and resentment. it is interesting that you think the solution lies in restoring one's faith. i also really love the title to this piece.

amber
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may I see your journal?


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it is a paper one, unfortunately :). i have learned the hard way about posting personal data online. a few years ago when i was still dating, a man i went out with once did a google search and obtained a variety of information about me, including accessing and reading my online journal which i had determined (through IP tracking of visitors to the site) was visited by only one or two individuals and did not routinely show up in search engines. he really had to dig for this info. he then confronted me with what he had uncovered, and because i had written about him, he was offended by it and thought he should contact me to let me know how "wrong" i was. i felt so invaded by that; hardly anyone in my real life had ever stumbled upon the journal, and those who had showed mixed feelings about it so i made an effort to keep it private. this man also learned a lot of information about me which could not have been gathered through a routine search available to most computer users (i did a similar search on myself to find this out). he knew my exact weight as it was listed on my medical records (at the time i was going out with him i had lost a few pounds and he was quoting a weight from a clinic visit i had months before) and knew of some health issues i was going through.

the extent of this invasion was so appalling to me that i stopped journaling and writing completely for a long time. needless to say, that man never got to a third date with me :).

at this website i do often write about epiphanies and personal struggles that are often main topics or subjects for my private journal. i was just going to write one today actually, but i need a bit more time to find out what i think :).

amber
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do you use bics?
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can you release small pieces, for everyone else to enjoy? you know, individual pieces that will probably not give any of you away.

it could be at smallpiecesofamber.blogspot.com or something
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because if you don't release anything, i have trouble imagining the pervert grandad archetype. you know. the one who reads through your precious journals, noting down all salient matters.

and if i cannot imagine, i can never be, and if i cannot be, i can never relate.

riverfr0zen (yes river "sorry bout the dumb shit last night" fr0zen")
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(and if i can never relate i may end up becoming) :( riverfr0zen
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no, i won't. like i said, i'm done with online journaling and now only use good old pen and paper.

amber
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do you use bics, amber? riverfr0zen
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as in the pen? no, i write with a high-quality sanford uni-ball grip or even a sharpie if i have one. i like dark black ink.

amber
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i was hoping for a custom sort of pen. one that was specially made, perhaps by an old grandfather or grandmother. but then i realized i'm an idiot suckered by romanticism. sanford uni-ball grip sounds damn fine. what kind of paper do you use, when you write?

riverfr0zen
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re: the pen, it could have even had some sort of insignia. riverfr0zen
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if only i could have written calligraphy by candle light, like charles darwin..

i write in a small, decorative book, with lined paper that is slightly heavier than notebook paper.

amber

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lines are there for guidance, i assume. do you follow the lines, generally? on the paper? riverfr0zen
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yeah. um, i was really just commenting here on ewml's piece, so.. not interested in being your janet and continuing this convo indefinitely. cheers and adieu.

amber
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"being your janet"?
hehe.
-ewmL
You two are kooky at each other's throats.

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It's a Freudian thing. Nobody else is gonna pee on ambers stump.
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or her planet.

amber
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... the ivory Tower known as IPP.
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more like a giant bowl of creme brulee.

amber
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and delores claiborne dressed in folgers crystals springs from the flambe in progress soon followed by the geological stunt double of birmingham alabama.
...3mj