Poem Number 23110

sorry for the length...

I want to have your son
But I can’t tell you
I want you to hear my daughter talk about her history
But you come with reluctant ears
And love…
I suppress it like a sneeze in a concert hall
Ha,
What could I do
If I had a council of elders
What could I do with you
I want to listen to your heart beat
For hours at a time
One silent beat
By one silent beat
looking into your eyes
While breathing your spent and ragged breath
Sometimes I want to scream
When you get your feelings hurt
When I only want to make you laugh
And take your picture
And memorize your every you
Your every you
I am considerate and called selfish
I am playful, and I am called mean
I’ve compromise my personality
I’ve learned to hold my tongue
deny my feelings
with an uneasy feeling
Knowing that… this… it can’t
It could never last
But yet when I envision you
I am holding our son
And sharing his visage with his sister
Who cries at his beauty
And it hurts
I can’t get my heart back
Suppressing love like a sneeze
While you
Shake pepper
Under my nose
right under my nose
Right under my nose
The ground starts shaking
And I throw my arms around
What I can protect
What is in or within my grasp
And you slip through
The shifting plates
Of an angry earth
And you fall with reluctant distance
And the sad part is
You care too much
To stand so far away.
Handkerchief to nose
Breathe abated
Eyes closed
Tensed.
&
Waiting.
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Too long and rambling and repetative and loses focus. Condensed to one strong focus, it could be much more powerful. You have some really good and strong images in this, but because you don't focus they lose their power. Your line "I suppress it like a sneeze in a concert hall" in the beginning is powerful but using the same image later "Suppressing love like a sneeze" makes the image become tiresome and stale. Work on this, I think you can pull something from it that might make one want to linger in its thoughts, instead of wanting to walk away midway.

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I see what u mean.. I'll try to salvage this one, thanks
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did you ever read leaves of grass? -chandler
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no but i've smoked grass
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but did you ever recite the leaves of grass, while you smoked grass?
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I agree with the first comments. However, the sneeze bit makes me laugh. And the HA seems totally childish like something a high school kid would write in a letter. Those strange hyroglyphics show up my ignorance. I find them very detracting from the poem. Perhaps, if I knew what they were, I'd understand but, for me, it's like stumbling over a rock every time they appear.
sg

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I'm not sure what the weird symbols are..... they were not in there when I wrote it. Thanks for all the comments :)
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it has a kind of hypnotic rhythm to it like waves lapping onto a shore and breaking onto rocks ...I love it ! (atishoo)
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thank you
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I too, agree with early comments, it needs to be condensed. To compare the redundancy of this poem to the visual brilliance and inner perceptions of Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass” is absurd. There is a difference in being long, with purpose and to add to thought and visual and being long, just to ramble, adding nothing. I say this, not to be mean, but in all truth, so you may grow and learn.
JLang