Poem Number 23063

`

wind and thunder and rain
became my playmates
in your absence
and i dreamed in daylight fast fading
that you too were
eyes to the sky and
feeling the mist of wet wind
drive and drain the sky
into swelled gutters,
feeling and seeing it
twist the trees
and hide everyone inside,
away from our friendly play,
leaving me content
to concentrate
on counting
lightning strikes,
confident that you are drippingly keeping the same tally


)Kaleb
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One of your better poems. There are some really interesting lines in here Kaleb.
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Your very good poem brings to mind a thought I'd like to share. When I was young, I wrote poetry freely, as it came to me. How many poetry writers out there took classes or master classes from well known poets? I had some poetry professor tell to use present tense as often as possible. He said it brings the poem more vividly to the reader. Through the years, I've heard and discussed and been told many rules (some that I respect, many that I don't). There was a poet in Kern County, CA who wrote of migrant workers. A little like Edgar Lee Masters, her poetry was brief and described the people of the pickers of the fields who came to Kern County from Oklahoma. I don't believe she took many classes nor do her poems suffer from her realistic spontaneous song. Her name was Wilma McDaniels. She passed away just recently at the age of 87. So, Kaleb, how about putting the lines, "became my partners", "and I dreamed in daylight, fast fading", "that you too were", in present tense? Just a suggestion.
sg
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Feeling powerfully expressed ~ Jim
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wind and thunder and rain
become my playmates
in your absence
and i dream in daylight fast fading
that you too are
eyes to the sky and
feeling the mist of wet wind
drive and drain the sky
into swelled gutters,
feeling and seeing it
twist the trees
and hide everyone inside,
away from our friendly play,
leaving me content
to concentrate
on counting
lightning strikes,
confident that you are drippingly keeping the same tally


Thanks for your ideas sg, here is the rewrite in present tense. i like it.
)Kaleb
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A beautiful poem and I believe the newer version is the better. Kaleb, I am pleased that you like my suggestion. You are a sensitive fine poet.
sg